Tiptoes (2003)

Remember Dorf? Those 1980s VHS tapes with Tim Conway where he plays a dwarf golf instructor by standing in a hole in the ground, with tennis shoes glued where his knees are to simulate having shorter legs? This week on Alcohollywood, we’re finally tackling one of those hit “cult bad movies” you kids these days seem to like so much – Tiptoes!

This time around, we get to see the “Dorf effect” be given to acclaimed actor Gary Oldman, in what the schizophrenic trailer claims is “the role of a lifetime.” I assume this means that, after you do it once, you have enough sense not to do it again. Either way, the film vacillates between a tender drama of midget relations and the complexities of starting a new family – Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale – and a wacky comedy about just how funny those midgets are.

Co-starring real dwarf actor Peter Dinklage as a greasy French Marxist and Patricia Arquette as a dim drifter, this film is as perplexing as it is misguided. Luckily, we’ve got our custom cocktail, some drinking rules, and frequent guest Julia, who joins us for a quiz! Take a listen:

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THIS EPISODE’S DRINK: Short Island Iced Tea

tiptoes cocktail

1 part gin

1 part silver tequila

2 parts pomegranate juice

1 part silver rum

.5 part lime juice

1 part triple sec


Combine and stir; garnish with line wedge.


  1. Whenever a character states the obvious
  2. Anytime a character wears outrageous costumes/clothing
  3. Every time the orchestra dives headlong into saccharine piano


Steven (McConaughey) says, “What I need…are new chromosomes.”

Next week, we’re going to try out our first New Release, as we’ll talk about the new Daniel Craig James Bond flick Skyfall and let you know how you should drink to it (ideally after it comes out on home video – or in the right theater)!

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About Alcohollywood Staff

The film staff of the film website/podcast Alcohollywood.

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